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Thread: Real Secret Agent Stories

  1. #1
    Die Another Day BondJmsBond's Avatar
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    Real Secret Agent Stories

    Sometimes I still perform missions.

    These are some of them.

    You're all sworn to utmost secrecy.

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  3. #2
    Die Another Day BondJmsBond's Avatar
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    Mission 1 - The Package

    As you know, I waited for a package 2 days ago.
    What you don't know is I received 2 packages that fateful day...(cue harp music signalling trip to the past)...

    ...I heard the plop on the porch and knew it had arrived, also knew the UPS bastardo had cavalierly thrown my expensive stuff.
    Thinking to maybe have a word I got out to the porch only to see him leap into the truck and hurtle away. Shaking a fist appeared pointless.

    The package felt light but the fact didn't penetrate. It was my new tablet and I couldn't wait to try it out.
    Back in the house I opened it with a practiced yank and beheld not my new tablet, but a pair of garden shears and a little plastic watering bucket thingy.

    I gaped for some unknown time before the thought "Look at the address label" eventually got through. Indeed, the package was addressed to my new neighbors to the south, whom I haven't even met yet.
    Shit! I didn't want my 1st interaction with new neighbors to be as the guy who snooped in their package. It isn't really true, but who would believe the story I just told?

    There was no way out for the average man, so I became Bond. (cue Bond music and switch to 3rd person)..

    ..Instantly, said package was re-taped. Duct tape, unfortunately.
    Indicated house surveilled, no vehicles or activity observed. Raid is a go.
    Bond swiftly advances on his target; a flitting shadow almost impossible to detect.
    At his goal and bending to place package the dogs Bond didn't know about in the house suddenly burst into frenzied barking.
    After simultaneously dropping package and leaping into the air, Bond fast-walks back to his house saying ah-ah-ah-ah.

    (back to present and 1st person)

    Maybe I got away with it. I think likely so.
    I'll know when I meet the neighbors. If there are speculative looks and a certain reserve I'll know they were home and saw me, or have security cam(s) and saw me on it; in which case they will have also had a good laugh by seeing me jump at the sudden barking.

    It's a mystery only the future will solve.

    Buh-dat-DA-DAH, bu da dah

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  5. #3
    ಠ_ಠ defrabbit's Avatar
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    let us hope the neighbourliness is reciprocated if your box
    of snow from Jenny is delivered to the wrong house.

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    Die Another Day BondJmsBond's Avatar
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    Mission 2 - The Mail

    Sometimes, even getting the mail from my porch can become a harrowing adventure.........(cue harp music signalling trip to the past)..

    Having returned home from journeys afield, I had begun laundry as I had no clean clothes left. Started the 2nd wash load, and remembered I needed to get the mail as I was waiting for something. I began to open the front door and realized I had only a pair of boxer briefs on. All else was in the wash or dryer.
    Now, I could have waited until laundry was done, could have dug out something from the closet.....but the mailbox was 5 feet away.

    So I became Bond. (cue Bond music and switch to 3rd person)

    Bond snapped off the porch light (It was night), and the porch was plunged into tomb-like darkness. Perfect. Easing open the front door, Bond reconnoiters, sees no one; the mission is on. Like an invisible sprite, Bond gains the mail from the box and heads back inside - total mission time: 4 seconds.

    In the last instant before gaining safe re-entry, just before his head went through the doorway, Bond hears a noise and looks to his right, catching a snapshot of the neighbor's wife and kids on their front porch, all looking across at him. Bond hastily shuts the door and belatedly realizes he may have been lit on his mission by light from the open door. It wasn't much light though, so it's unknown if neighbors could tell he was in his underwear. Bond says "Well, shit."

    (cut music, back to present and 1st person)

    Another unknown mystery, lol. I hope I don't have to move.

    Buh-dat-DA-DAH, bu da dah

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  9. #5
    ಠ_ಠ defrabbit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BondJmsBond View Post
    ...so it's unknown if neighbors could tell he was in his underwear. Bond says "Well, shit."
    well, the lack of screaming and bustling the children inside at least
    indicates that they didn't mistakenly think you were wearing cutoff
    jorts.


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  11. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by BondJmsBond View Post
    As you know, I waited for a package 2 days ago.
    What you don't know is I received 2 packages that fateful day...(cue harp music signalling trip to the past)...

    ...I heard the plop on the porch and knew it had arrived, also knew the UPS bastardo had cavalierly thrown my expensive stuff.
    Thinking to maybe have a word I got out to the porch only to see him leap into the truck and hurtle away. Shaking a fist appeared pointless.

    The package felt light but the fact didn't penetrate. It was my new tablet and I couldn't wait to try it out.
    Back in the house I opened it with a practiced yank and beheld not my new tablet, but a pair of garden shears and a little plastic watering bucket thingy.

    I gaped for some unknown time before the thought "Look at the address label" eventually got through. Indeed, the package was addressed to my new neighbors to the south, whom I haven't even met yet.
    Shit! I didn't want my 1st interaction with new neighbors to be as the guy who snooped in their package. It isn't really true, but who would believe the story I just told?

    There was no way out for the average man, so I became Bond. (cue Bond music and switch to 3rd person)..

    ..Instantly, said package was re-taped. Duct tape, unfortunately.
    Indicated house surveilled, no vehicles or activity observed. Raid is a go.
    Bond swiftly advances on his target; a flitting shadow almost impossible to detect.
    At his goal and bending to place package the dogs Bond didn't know about in the house suddenly burst into frenzied barking.
    After simultaneously dropping package and leaping into the air, Bond fast-walks back to his house saying ah-ah-ah-ah.

    (back to present and 1st person)

    Maybe I got away with it. I think likely so.
    I'll know when I meet the neighbors. If there are speculative looks and a certain reserve I'll know they were home and saw me, or have security cam(s) and saw me on it; in which case they will have also had a good laugh by seeing me jump at the sudden barking.

    It's a mystery only the future will solve.

    Buh-dat-DA-DAH, bu da dah

    I have successfully repeated this mission 4 times now - and now to be a 5th as apparently something for her dogs from chewy.com arrived at my door a moment ago.
    Ironic that I have to brave the dogs making me jump to deliver goodies for them. I still have not met the lady, as she has never been out in the front yard that I have seen. I hear her car start in the morning sometimes and hear her return sometimes, that's it. Weird.

    Questions - how many packages does she freaking get if there have been 5 delivered to me by mistake? I've never had a package go missing; but I get only like 4-5 a year on average.
    Of course I wouldn't do it - the guilt would kill me - but would I be within legal/moral right to keep packages? What's the % of people who would keep the packages?
    What kind of name is Jill PAYAGGAPANDA?

    I'll take it over later, I just got back from working and am unabashedly lounging in my underwear. (switch to 3rd person) Bond Knows how to relax. (Back to 1st person) I'll let you know how the mission goes.

    *Edit: Like a shadow in the gloom, I performed the delivery completely undetected.

    Buh-dat-DA-DAH, bu da dah
    Last edited by BondJmsBond; 10-21-2019 at 05:02 PM.

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  13. #7
    ಠ_ಠ defrabbit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BondJmsBond View Post
    *Edit: Like a shadow in the gloom, I performed the delivery completely undetected.

    Buh-dat-DA-DAH, bu da dah


    wait, what if she is buying drugs and putting the wrong address on purpose?
    relying on your cardigan-wearing-neighbourliness to finish the delivery, while
    retaining a layer of protection from the pre-question bullets of johnny law.

    Or... or, what if she lets her dog write the addresses and the dog puts the
    wrong address because it knows that the dog always catches a cap when
    5-0 comes no-knockin'.

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