Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Real Secret Agent Stories

  1. #1
    Die Another Day BondJmsBond's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    2,095
    Thanks
    13,783
    Thanked 11,628 Times in 2,094 Posts

    Real Secret Agent Stories

    Sometimes I still perform missions.

    These are some of them.

    You're all sworn to utmost secrecy.

  2. The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to BondJmsBond For This Useful Post:


  3. #2
    Die Another Day BondJmsBond's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    2,095
    Thanks
    13,783
    Thanked 11,628 Times in 2,094 Posts

    Mission 1 - The Package

    As you know, I waited for a package 2 days ago.
    What you don't know is I received 2 packages that fateful day...(cue harp music signalling trip to the past)...

    ...I heard the plop on the porch and knew it had arrived, also knew the UPS bastardo had cavalierly thrown my expensive stuff.
    Thinking to maybe have a word I got out to the porch only to see him leap into the truck and hurtle away. Shaking a fist appeared pointless.

    The package felt light but the fact didn't penetrate. It was my new tablet and I couldn't wait to try it out.
    Back in the house I opened it with a practiced yank and beheld not my new tablet, but a pair of garden shears and a little plastic watering bucket thingy.

    I gaped for some unknown time before the thought "Look at the address label" eventually got through. Indeed, the package was addressed to my new neighbors to the south, whom I haven't even met yet.
    Shit! I didn't want my 1st interaction with new neighbors to be as the guy who snooped in their package. It isn't really true, but who would believe the story I just told?

    There was no way out for the average man, so I became Bond. (cue Bond music and switch to 3rd person)..

    ..Instantly, said package was re-taped. Duct tape, unfortunately.
    Indicated house surveilled, no vehicles or activity observed. Raid is a go.
    Bond swiftly advances on his target; a flitting shadow almost impossible to detect.
    At his goal and bending to place package the dogs Bond didn't know about in the house suddenly burst into frenzied barking.
    After simultaneously dropping package and leaping into the air, Bond fast-walks back to his house saying ah-ah-ah-ah.

    (back to present and 1st person)

    Maybe I got away with it. I think likely so.
    I'll know when I meet the neighbors. If there are speculative looks and a certain reserve I'll know they were home and saw me, or have security cam(s) and saw me on it; in which case they will have also had a good laugh by seeing me jump at the sudden barking.

    It's a mystery only the future will solve.

    Buh-dat-DA-DAH, bu da dah

  4. The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to BondJmsBond For This Useful Post:


  5. #3
    ಠ_ಠ defrabbit's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    6,982
    Thanks
    17,808
    Thanked 60,427 Times in 6,975 Posts
    let us hope the neighbourliness is reciprocated if your box
    of snow from Jenny is delivered to the wrong house.

  6. The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to defrabbit For This Useful Post:


  7. #4
    Die Another Day BondJmsBond's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    2,095
    Thanks
    13,783
    Thanked 11,628 Times in 2,094 Posts

    Mission 2 - The Mail

    Sometimes, even getting the mail from my porch can become a harrowing adventure.........(cue harp music signalling trip to the past)..

    Having returned home from journeys afield, I had begun laundry as I had no clean clothes left. Started the 2nd wash load, and remembered I needed to get the mail as I was waiting for something. I began to open the front door and realized I had only a pair of boxer briefs on. All else was in the wash or dryer.
    Now, I could have waited until laundry was done, could have dug out something from the closet.....but the mailbox was 5 feet away.

    So I became Bond. (cue Bond music and switch to 3rd person)

    Bond snapped off the porch light (It was night), and the porch was plunged into tomb-like darkness. Perfect. Easing open the front door, Bond reconnoiters, sees no one; the mission is on. Like an invisible sprite, Bond gains the mail from the box and heads back inside - total mission time: 4 seconds.

    In the last instant before gaining safe re-entry, just before his head went through the doorway, Bond hears a noise and looks to his right, catching a snapshot of the neighbor's wife and kids on their front porch, all looking across at him. Bond hastily shuts the door and belatedly realizes he may have been lit on his mission by light from the open door. It wasn't much light though, so it's unknown if neighbors could tell he was in his underwear. Bond says "Well, shit."

    (cut music, back to present and 1st person)

    Another unknown mystery, lol. I hope I don't have to move.

    Buh-dat-DA-DAH, bu da dah

  8. The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to BondJmsBond For This Useful Post:


  9. #5
    ಠ_ಠ defrabbit's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    6,982
    Thanks
    17,808
    Thanked 60,427 Times in 6,975 Posts
    Quote Originally Posted by BondJmsBond View Post
    ...so it's unknown if neighbors could tell he was in his underwear. Bond says "Well, shit."
    well, the lack of screaming and bustling the children inside at least
    indicates that they didn't mistakenly think you were wearing cutoff
    jorts.


  10. The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to defrabbit For This Useful Post:


Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •