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  1. #1
    Are You Broken?™ Bilbojr's Avatar
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    N/A

    Billy Atlas was far from his namesake and Fatass was the "preferred" method of slurring his last name, a fact he knew and saying it to himself under his breath while tugging tight his shoelaces and shaking his head "you don't want to trip, fall and brain yourself" he ranted out loud to nobody "fucking Fatass you fucks, you won't be saying that for long" Billy was a portly man about five foot 8 inches 200 lbs frame chiseled out of beer. Married to a very understanding lass Mary Beth and with who's bidding's swayed our friend Billy to "tighten up" and jog the beautiful Berkley Hills Park. "Here goes nothing" and as that thought was replaced by his favorite mp3 track mix Billy started his first and final run.





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  3. #2
    Artificially Sweetened Toxic_Cherub's Avatar
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    A touch Stephen King.

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    Fucking With The Fuckwits Jaguar7777's Avatar
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    Looks a touch Bilbojr to me.


    Or should that be looks like Bilbojr is touched?


    Damned if I know .......................


    Jag. (Might have to check the owners meds ....)
    You Know Absolutely Nothing, So Kindly Keep It To Yourself.


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  7. #4
    Are You Broken?™ Bilbojr's Avatar
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    "Billlllllllly" A strained and distant voice slowly strengthening with every L to the point Mr. Porty wondered what the hell his music was saying then stopping to remove the ear pieces the voice returned "Billly". "Ah ah yes" a very confused and sweaty man said out loud swiveling his head around as quickly as possible "Who is it? wh-who's there?" "Oh I'm not there Billlllly but I sense you, I sense where you are but I know where you are not" "I don't understand any of this. what the fuck is this? what the fucks going on?" a rather calm Billy or should we say a rather mentally controlled puppet by his "guest". By now the voice has become more of a stench, rot and oozing of death and vile then an actual sound "Run Billy" and surprisingly to Billy he raised and started running "What the....What?" "You never did have control did you Biiillllllly?" thump thump thump "What do you want with me?" he panted "You? nothing, it's a after effect you could say Biiilllly I have this gift you see and you'll love this part, blood gives me the power to speak and other things with loved ones and I mean you have to be special too and you were loved". thump thump A deeply confused and heavily breathing friend of ours thoughts of "wha...loved ones?" "Remember that part about where you aren't? it's the place where I am and the place where Mary Beth...well... was" "I I'll" Billy croaked "You'll just die Biiiilllly and soon the cliff in front of you will take care of that but before you go" Billys eyes narrowed to see his wife, his sweet Mary Beth in an image to rot his soul, for one last time as Billy swan dived to the bottom of the Berkley Hills Gorge.





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    Fucking With The Fuckwits Jaguar7777's Avatar
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    A Swan Dive ......... I like it.


    Jag. (Easily entertained ..... )
    You Know Absolutely Nothing, So Kindly Keep It To Yourself.


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  11. #6
    Are You Broken?™ Bilbojr's Avatar
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    It's god awful





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  13. #7
    Fucking With The Fuckwits Jaguar7777's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bilbojr View Post
    It's god awful
    I'm going to have to frame this .............

    Jag. (I'm thinking abalone shell with mother of pearl inlay ..... )
    You Know Absolutely Nothing, So Kindly Keep It To Yourself.


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  15. #8
    Jesse's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bilbojr View Post
    Billy Atlas was far from his namesake and Fatass was the "preferred" method of slurring his last name, a fact he knew and saying it to himself under his breath while tugging tight his shoelaces and shaking his head "you don't want to trip, fall and brain yourself" he ranted out loud to nobody "fucking Fatass you fucks, you won't be saying that for long" Billy was a portly man about five foot 8 inches 200 lbs frame chiseled out of beer. Married to a very understanding lass Mary Beth and with who's bidding's swayed our friend Billy to "tighten up" and jog the beautiful Berkley Hills Park. "Here goes nothing" and as that thought was replaced by his favorite mp3 track mix Billy started his first and final run.
    I liked this. It reads easily, gives good character exposure and gets to the hook quickly and simply. I'd make a few suggestions if you were to post this on my short story site, which is the site's primary purpose. I hope when I've finished it you give it a try. This short vignette has a comfortable style. Are you still writing?

    Quote Originally Posted by Toxic_Cherub View Post
    A touch Stephen King.
    Agreed


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  17. #9
    Jesse's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bilbojr View Post
    It's god awful
    Nope. Just needs a little input.


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