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Thread: Make Me Laugh

  1. #21
    Elite PK~'s Avatar
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    There are probably not enough of us to start a dyslexic thread . . .

    What do you get when the you cross a dyslexic, and agnostic, and an insomniac?

    Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

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  3. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Frosty View Post
    Is this the type of jewelry women love?

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  5. #23
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    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

    Dear Mrs. Harris,

    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

    1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away”.
    This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

    6. August 14: Moved a “CAUTION - WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.

    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can't you people just leave me alone?” EMTs were called.

    9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the “ Mission Impossible” theme.

    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna look” using different sizes of funnels.

    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

    14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”

    15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

    And last, but not least:

    16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

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  7. #24
    Dork Lord of the Sith DarthTater's Avatar
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    LOL at #5. Sounds like something I would do.

    Thanks for the laugh. I needed it.
    ---------------------------------------------
    "There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light.
    In the fine print they tell me what's wrong from what's right.
    It comes in Black and it comes in White and I'm frightened
    by those who don't see it."

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  9. #25
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    We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening.

    We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the back garden.

    We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

    As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie.

    My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

    Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night, so, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

    A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me, but it worked! I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the back garden! She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

    The silence in the Taxi was deafening.

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  11. #26
    Too Daze Gone baddfingerz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PK~ View Post



    Is this the type of jewelry women love?

    She keeps dreaming about a Superbowl ring.
    Last edited by baddfingerz; 01-30-2013 at 11:44 PM.




    Crying parents tell their children
    If you survive don't do as we did
    A son exclaims there'll be nothing to do to
    Her daughter says she'll be dead with you...



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  13. #27
    Too Daze Gone baddfingerz's Avatar
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    OMG did you hear the announcement David Copperfield just made?

    He told the whole world on TV that he has AIDS. Poor bastard. But the worst thing: you know how he got it?


    Doin' Magic.




    Crying parents tell their children
    If you survive don't do as we did
    A son exclaims there'll be nothing to do to
    Her daughter says she'll be dead with you...



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  15. #28
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    Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesotawoods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

    Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to...and there was his doctor, Sven.

    "Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

    "What's the bad news?", asks Ole

    "The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."

    "Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

    "Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye."

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  17. #29
    Too Daze Gone baddfingerz's Avatar
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    Did you hear about the pollack that joined a Polish terrorist union?
    His first assignment was to blow up a car. You know what happened?

    He burnt his mouth on the tailpipe.




    Crying parents tell their children
    If you survive don't do as we did
    A son exclaims there'll be nothing to do to
    Her daughter says she'll be dead with you...



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  19. #30
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    Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife
    Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly
    this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would
    even answer the phone."

    Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and
    demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the
    druggist told him, Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the
    alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and
    hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house
    and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

    "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I
    was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got
    to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the
    store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone
    was ringing off the hook."

    He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
    register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had
    to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was
    still ringing.

    When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me
    stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.
    Half of them hit the floor and broke."

    "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
    back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use
    a Rectal thermometer.

    And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

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